Heartless, thoughtless self

I'm heartless, I'm thoughtless. I kept quiet so nobody knows I'm such person, I'm sucha hypocrite bitch.

I'm selfish, I am mean and i don't think for anybody at all. No one deserved such person. I am pure fucked up from the start and will always be.

Be alone, stay alone, do your shit and try to survive every single day.

To stay strong I need to be my worst self.

To stop the tears, inflict pain on myself. Everytime it falls, hit them hard, real fucking hard.

To stop feeling certain emotions, I can't, I just need to stop everything and feel nothing. Nothing at all. It sounds easy but it's not at all. Feeling nothing is the worst u can ever imagine because when something is triggered everything will come rushing through u to the point u can't cry anymore tears and u will just drop.

To stop thinking, I certainly can't, but I just gotta act like I am not thinking. Like everything is actually normal when it's not at all.

To sleep, I can't, to try and sleep maybe I can try, importantly stay strong and don't cry to sleep, if I were to cry I know what to do to myself. Just try closing those damn bloody eyes and shut up.

To say such things was hard but no one knows exactly. Life goes on Mandy, it still fucking goes on so shut the fuck up.

Tuesdate.

This is one of the Tuesday i spent few weeks back and kinda enjoyed everything. 

I only can remember vaguely what happened so yea, just gonna summarize it so probably gonna be a short post with pictures so yay!

It's Tuesday and it also means it's my day where i hafta get ma ass in da gym. Well, this time round i will be gymming with Eunice, well there's another reason but working out was the main reason. Hahaha. 

So i remembered i hafta wait for her about an hour or 2 cause i ended my class early that day. So yea was alone at fc5 till i bumped into Hillary! I thought i was gonna rot alone but not anymore! So they were having a birthday surprise for our dear Dovyn. A picnic theme, what's interesting is that the picnic is held in school! How koolz. Hahaha. So i followed her and met up with other SDZ mates to prep for the surprise.

The spot that the picnic is held at is so peaceful, it was my first time there too. The downside was the longass stair to climb though. So there were swings too and while waiting i kinda sat on it. It was made of wood and the creaking sound was heard when i started swinging. I guess i was heavy but anyways, i still sat on it happily. Hehehe. 

It was time to surprise the birthday boy and everybody when hidden and TADAAAA, he was surprised so guess it was a success! Awww :D So before i left we took quite alot of group shots like always..... :)

I left and went to find Eunice while they continue happily indulging everything that was prepared. So i finally met her and brought her to the gym. duh. So the gym suddenly became very strict with the signing in and out so kinda panicked when i was bringing her in bu thankgod for my idea. HAHAHA. 

So Sam was there too and i introduced them to each other and as usual, i worked out mine an she did hers. She is kinda a planking lover. HAHAHA. Keep planking and ask me to join her but nah... So Sam kinda asked her to do some workout and it was funny to see Sam talking to her. Well, after we are done, about an hour and a half, we went to changed and headed to WestGate for dinner!

So we were like saying we can't have too much carbs or else our efforts will be wasted but eventually we heck care and dine and Eggs and Berries. Ordered a main dish and a dessert to share. Well they apparently served the main dish without serving the pancakes together because they said it wasn't ready. LOLOL. So they served the pancakes much later and we gotta wait awhile cause i wanted to take a picture to instagram since my account is always full of humans.

So the waffle dessert came together cause we asked them to served along but in the end we had our main dish and the waffle slowly turned cold... Whuttttt. But we told them to heat it up so yay. Their service was good.

So when everything was served we agreed to put our phones aside because we were like, 'Stop using our phones and put it aside when the food is served ok, we will start talking no phones.' HAHAHA. But i was the one sticking with it while she did used her phone but still tried to make eye contact with me, bitch HMP. Can you imagine non living actually can control us in someways or another? Just look at our phones man. Fuck our lives. Hahaha.

We had a good chat and talking to her can be so funny and bitchy. Its like one moment we are laughing our asses off and the other we are cursing each other in the face. Hehehe So the rosti wasn't yummy at all but anyways we moved on to the dessert and it was so good, the berries and almond nuts ahh.... love love love!!! When we were done we were feeling full, shocked myself when i said i was feeling full. 

We still had time to spare so i brought her to one of my favourite place, the supermarket, Fairprice @ JEM. I needed to buy cereal for myself so she introduced me one of the cereal she has been eating. So i bought the Granola that she recommended, i have seen it before but hesitated cause it was kinda pricey so i was afraid it won't be nice. But it turned out to be so yummeh, eating alone is delicious enough too! Afterwards, we walked around awhile more before we went off.

Well no pix with her but look at that superga, yup it her the hipster. Hahaha.

Anyway, lovely day spent overall. :D

Steamboat with the siblings!

This is a very delayed post omg. Anyway, had steamboat with the siblings for CNY reunion lunch. This is probably the very first time we siblings ate together! So much loveeeeee. Hopefully, every year there will be such reunion lunch or dinner. Yayerz!

So my brother prepared all these and of course with whatever we requested. He even prepared the homemade chili and warned us umpteen time that it is very spicy. Well, guess he thought we couldn't handle spiciness. 

When we reached we gotta wait for awhile because not everyone arrived yet. My tummy already started singing song..... I kept pestering my brother whether we can start or not..... Sucha impatient hungry and maybe a little selfish of me. Heh. 

Anyway, my brother said i could start first so i just shamelessly yet happily said, 'ok', BUT by the time i scoop finished the rice for everybody, all was here and it was just nice to 'LET THE HUNGER GAME BEGIN' HAHAHA, i kid. Let the food to boil..... *yawns* Hahahaha. Meanwhile, just eating on the plain rice. Yummehhhh

The spicy chilli... In love with chili... I am glad i can take spicy food now or just plain chili padi. Spicy food are da B O M B

SO halfway thru, we stock up the food and well, my 2nd Sister and i wasn't even half full yet and my Brother was shocked because he thought he bought more than enough but apparently he either forgotten or didn't know our appetite is huge, especially mine which grew into a bottomless pit, i was so scared yet happy!!! HAHAHA. I literally get hungry after every 3 hours after my (full) meal. To me, is bad only when i can't find food to eat. 

In the midst of eating and waiting for the food to boil, my Sister decided to snap a few pictures. ^_^ Sister shot!!! That day was a happy day. :)

Brother blended apple juice and grape juice and it was so deliciously tasty and sweet. #naturalsugar

Ma second Sister and Rei who was reluctant to take pix with us. Hmppppp

The elder Sister that looks like me when we were young and crying. Still cannot manage to find the baby picture of her and mine. Hahaha. I need to find time!!!

Lovelle and Rei playing together side by side how sweet. AWWW.

So my granny put Jei down so that she could carry Lovelle but Jei started crying and crawled towards my Granny very quickly. So cute to witness i swear!!!

After the full steamboat reunion lunch, we were all lazing around and digesting. To be honest, after our family have grew by numbers(the babies), the siblings and in-laws have been taking more pictures than us(the younger cousins and siblings). I'm not even kidding on this point, well except for the selfie. Hahaha.

Anyway, this only mean that pictures really speaks a thousand words and we know we cannot relief that moment exactly therefore, picture is the best way to capture that moment of happiness and joy.  C'mon of course everyone have a moment where all they just so is to relax and think about their happy moments. It's just such pure peacefulness and happiness.

Anyway, before we left my brother's house, we took a few group pictures! :D Well, my in-laws are not inside. LOL. Anyway, My elder Sister, Shandy, (Click for her blog) on the left, 2nd Sister, Mindy, in the middle and my eldest Brother, Allan, on the right and of course my my and only Popo!!! Well, many of my friends is shocked whenever i mentioned i have a elder Sister and another eldest Brother. 

WENT HOME WITH A FULL STOMACH YUMZ 

Trying hard to control

A brand new day, but the sadness from yesterday is still not slept away. I didn't had a peaceful sleep at all. I woke up with something missing.

Occasionally, in the morning i will look myself in the mirror and tell myself today is a good day or i'm happy after a bad or sad day. I guess this didn't work for me this morning. Holding back those tears is not easy, especially when i just started my morning. Took a deep breath and i felt better because the tears didn't flow. Hah

Everything just wasn't right at all. It shouldn't turn out to be like this. What's there for me to say? It's too late anyway. Headed to school and was starring into blank spaces. However, my mind was full of thoughts that i triggered my tears... So i immediately look up hoping they will obediently flow back.

Trying to occupy my mind with other thoughts because i was gonna have a presentation and i don't wanna be affected. It helped a little. Thank god. I didn't really talk much today and it's just so unusual. But in order to look like everything's fine, i still tried to reply or act normally like my usual self. It was quite tough especially when everything just hit so hard all of a sudden.

Finally some alone time in the gym and i managed to get some emotions off me but i felt useless in the gym today... I can't really focus because my mind was somewhere else. After i was done i thought i should take a breather outside the gym to try and clear and calm myself. It actually worked with the peaceful surrounding and the wind. I thought i needed more time alone before heading home so i decided to do some grocery shopping, which is my favourite and won't fail to make me happy.

Little did i know, i got all emotional again because to think of it, we actually spent quite a lot of our times at these supermarkets. Well well well, wipe them off and grabbed everything i needed and went off. I reached my house's void deck and i couldn't control anymore and so i burst into tears hysterically. Thank god i was all alone hahaha.

I don't know what the hell actually happened. My heart wants the answers but my brain is saying another. I just want everything to go back to normal and simple...

Fucked up self

The last thing I wanna do is to fuck things up but then again I always do that even if I don't mean it.

Time indeed flies and it's already February. A lot of things happened, regardless good or bad. This month is going to be a busy month with all the school project submissions and exams at the end of the month. I can foresee myself to be fucking stress and worried, not only about studies.

It's been good the last month but my drunk soul happened so I fucked up some things when it's all good. I don't know what exactly did I said but I definitely messed up big time. Insecurities and fears are devouring me inside out and I don't fucking know what to do. 

I'm still kinda new to it and at times I feel like I have made a huge mistake but I know I gotta start somewhere. Nothing good comes easy and I know it damn well. Keeping myself occupy this month is easy, physically but mental wise I don't know if I can although I know I should. 

One month. One month is 30 days and within that period of time a hugeass things can happened!!! C'mon just look at how I fucked things up with a phonecall... 

'Do what makes you happy', this motto of mine is slowly fading because whenever I tell this to my sad and fearful self, I know that I can't be so selfish anymore and I gotta think for others.

Well, at the end of the day, whatever is being said here doesn't really matter because my life still have to go on and I just gotta live with whatever shit that's in me. I am seriously very afraid. I just want things to be happy and good...